Current location:	watching it rain
Current mood:	crappy
Entry tags:	catherine willows, csi, family, fan fiction, stella bonasera

Now I Know Why...

Now I know why, or at least I think I know why all the female characters in my stories are pregnant. AND NO, I'm NOT! And I'm not ever going to be .... again. *sigh*

Let me back up here and say; in my CSI fanfics both Catherine and Stella are pregnant. If I wrote for CSI Miami, I'd probably make Calleigh pregnant too. LOL.
 
SO, how does that relate to you?

Let me go on... To go back ever farther, and to get really personal for a bit. It look me 8 years YES 8 YEARS to get pregnant. It wasn't as simple as going off the pill, no, it never is.

I remember my mom was helping my sister order  bridesmaid dresses for my sister's wedding... 10 YEARS AGO! and my mom said to the sales lady.. "OH make Heathers a size 14, she'll be HUGE by then."  HA!

My sister's wedding came and went, and no pregnancy or baby.

Then I tried to track my periods. Has anyone else tried to do that? Mark it on the calendar to guess your best chance of ovulation. Well that was pretty useless. I guess it doesn't help when my periods would come every 4 weeks to every 6-8 weeks.

There was the many, many, many consultations. The money, the strain on the marriage. Who knew having a baby (something that is supposed to strengthen your marriage, right?) would create such a stain and a whole in a marriage, my marriage.

Then the millennium was here. I will spare you the ugly details of turning a year older, feeling a year older, feeling cheated when my friend announced she was pregnant for the third time in three years. I know some people don't care. They don't want to know what it's like to want to have a baby. I'm not going to put you through that, I'm sure we can all agree, it's painful, depressing, heartbreaking, and yes traumatic to watch your friends have something you don't. Haven't we all  felt that way at one time or another?

What really sealed it for me is visiting my friend in the hospital right after she had her baby. She had a long hard pregnancy and a long hard delivery resulting in an emergency C-section. But, when I saw the baby, and held the baby and when I saw my friends dad hold his granddaughter, I couldn't take it anymore!

Two days later I had an appointment with the fertility specialist. Again, I'll save you the details and give you the gist. After a few treatments, a long talk with my friend over cosmos at a very plush bar in Seattle. After explaining to her about the crush I developed on my friends brother and I hoped that wasn't what was keeping me from getting pregnant, I went home to my adoring, wonderful, patient and kind husband.
BOOM! << As Danny from CSI NY would say, guess what???

I think you can fill in the rest!
Once more I'll spare the readers the story of my pregnancy and all the stuff that came with it.

Now, it's 7 years later, I'm 40 years old and I can no longer have children. My periods are just too random, I can't predict when I'll ovulate or even if I'll ovulate. And it took me now, this week to figure it out. At this point I wouldn't want anymore, but it makes me sort of sad inside knowing that I won't get pregnant again. :(

 SO, in a really weird, round-about way, that's why I write my two favorite CSI characters as having babies. You could say it's me living vicariously through them.